Tricia Makes Me Laugh

Tricia Lornston writes the popular blog, “Confessions of a Recovering Cynic” who is a funny BlogCatalog member! Tricia I have to know … tell me about that big tattoo!

Tricia: I wish I could give you an inspiring story about the depth and meaning of my arm piece, but really we just had to go big and bold to cover up some shoddy work I had done when I was underage.

My back piece, on the other hand, puts my arm to shame – and that one does have a spiritual story behind it.

Me: You are wearing one of my favorite colors, icy violet, in a sweet tutu, but why the astonished expression? Tell us the (quick version) story behind this photograph.

Tricia: Once upon a time in 2004, I was supposed to marry a mean guy. The wedding was booked, the invitations were mailed, and he ran as far as his cold feet could take him, stiffing me with all the bills. My girlfriend is a pro photographer and years later we decided it would be fun to do a Trash the Dress photo shoot. A little wine plus a lot of paint makes for great therapy.

She has real style!

Me: Why do you refer to your life as a train wreck?

Tricia: Well, I’m a 34-year-old half-wit who doesn’t have two pennies to rub together or any marketable skills. I had to move home with my parents after being laid off and until this year my dating life had been sordid at best.

Me: Your latest post  “Tricia For Sale”, mentions that some one rated your blog at a worth of $30,000.00 (but don’t sell!) I wonder how you feel about this amount. Enough? Not enough?

Tricia: The narcissist inside me was crushed to learn I’m not worth millions, but the realist inside me knows that if someone ever truly offered me thirty large for my blog, I’d be a fool to turn it down. That’s a whole lot of ramen noodles.

Me: “Playing Doctor”, really resonates with a lot of people, including me. If I were to get myself a Fischer Price medical bag … uh … Can I write you a prescription, without giving you a bunch of rhetoric like a practicing physicians?

Tricia: You can write prescriptions? Did I mention how lovely you look today? I generally think most doctors can just suck it. I’d love to be paid handsomely to refuse to listen to people; I’d probably do it very, very well.

Me: I know you recently joked about your Mom kicking ass, but I happen to agree strongly on all of the points you made. “Bond … Mom Bond” . Women today have to walk around carrying an arsenal, constantly looking over their shoulders, bringing a friend along, etc. If you were in charge how would you deal with the weirdos?

Tricia: I’d hire Joe Arpaio to head up the U.S. prison system with his chain gangs and pink undies. And sex offenders wouldn’t take up expensive space in our correctional facilities – their crimes would simply be tattooed across their foreheads and they’d be let loose in Texas; everything would sort itself out nicely.

Me: “Letters To Myself”, if only we could give our young-selves advice. You spelled out the disadvantages of teenage smoking. How did you break your smoking habit?

Tricia: I’ll let you know when I succeed. So far my adult record was nine months smoke-free. It’s a vile, filthy habit but it still has its stinky grip on me, which is why I would love to go back to 1994 and smack myself in the snotty little face.

Punk greeting card.

Me: Whom do you credit or think of, when you consider where your comic inspiration came? You have a wicked sense of humor, but more important is your timing it is spot on. Did you have to practice this or did it come naturally? Do you ever do Stand-up comedy? Or is your funny business reserved for your readers, family and friends?

Tricia: I got my snarky humor and my gigantic duck feet from my father, but the idea of doing stand-up scares me. I did sign myself up for an amateur comedy contest once, but by the time they called me to schedule it, the vodka had been flushed from my system along with my delusions of grandeur.

Me: “Memorial Day”,  is personal to most people, millions in fact. Your top ten reasons were thoughtful, and made a lot of sense. Were you to add to or embellish this list, how else would you marvel about Memorial Day?

Tricia: I think the biggest marvel about Memorial Day is simply how blessed we Americans are and how often we take our luxuries for granted. American ‘poor’ is still worlds beyond many developing countries, and yet we’ve fostered this sick sense of greed and entitlement. On Memorial Day, we ought to all be required to sit at the foot of an elderly vet and just listen to what he went through on behalf of us all.

Me: Have you thought about writing a book? You always make me grin whenever I read your stuff. How do you keep the funny thoughts coming?

Tricia: I have two half-books completed, but so far no publishers nipping at my heels begging me to finish. Oh, what? That’s not how it works? You mean I have to finish this shit before I get paid? Sheesh!

Seriously, though, blogging takes a lot of my free time. I think I’d need to scale back on that in order to make time to finish either book, and I’m too selfish right now; my blog brings me a lot of joy. I love getting to interact with other bloggers around the world and have developed some amazing friendships.

Me: You said you have a fear of flying. Why? Did something happen during a flight? I’d ask if you’d ever been skydiving, but I can guess that response a colorful one indeed. What about going for a ride in a hot air balloon. Does that appeal to you at all?

Tricia: I’m actually not scared of flying, but I enjoy Xanax. That’s totally off the record, though. If my doctor asks, I’m petrified.

Me: You cherish your Mom; it’s easy to see. I like that the most about you! Tell me a funny story – something you and your Mom did that made you laugh and laugh.

Tricia: It angered me mightily at the time, but I’ll share her favorite parenting story. I was fifteen and I’d moved out, because of their stifling rules like coming home at night. Work is scarce when you’re underage and can’t drive, so I was broke and I really wanted to buy pot. I arrogantly told my roomies that I could milk my folks’ sympathies for drug money and then went to visit them. I turned on the waterworks and confided that I was in danger of starving to death so I direly needed grocery money. My mom handed me a jar of peanut butter and gave me three dollars to buy a loaf of bread, and I had to go home with my tail between my legs and no weed. It was tragic.

Bells will be ringing!

Me: I see you’re getting married soon. When is the big day? Tell us a little about your dress, without giving us a photograph. You are wearing boots with your tulle. Might your guest expect you in boots or heels on the day? Are you getting excited?

Tricia: I’m marrying my best friend on August 28^th and I’m still stunned that we found each other. And that he loves me, despite reading my entire blog.

My dress has kind of a rockabilly look to it. I’ll be wearing flats, though, because I fall down a lot. I’m trying to convince my man that we should have a dance-off instead of swaying to a cheesy slow song. I figure I’ll look pretty rad doing the worm in a wedding gown, but I think he’s fearful that I’m not kidding. And I’m not.

Tricia you have a way about you that is unique and very appealing. I admit freely that I do enjoy my chuckles when I read your stories. You put a lot of effort into your work and have built a considerable readership. I’m so happy you spent time with me today. I always look forward to seeing your avatar in the discussion threads, because you are usually ready for a good time. Best wishes on your upcoming nuptials.

(See Tricia Lornston’s previous BlogCatalog interview)

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